I lost one of my best friends to an accident. It was so unexpected. She died while she was away on vacation and because of this I think it made it harder to realize she was never coming back. It was even harder for me because when she died I thought she was mad at me and I didn't understand she wasn't until days after when our friends told me. Her unexpected loss affected me in ways I wasn't ready for. I realized how short life was and I realized I needed to live life to the fullest. I thought about a lot of things and faked so many smiles and laughs so no one would ask me if I was okay. I loathed when people would ask if I was okay. How am I supposed to feel? I just lost one of my best friends, the person who knew more about me than my own family did. She was always so happy even in the darkest times and when things finally started to improve for her, she died. But I would never express my true thoughts, instead I would simply smile and say, "I'm okay, thanks for asking." We all knew I was lying but no one would say anything about it. Even with that, it was easy for me to talk to my best-friend about it. Those talks may have led to many tears and breakdowns but I got the emotions out. Those breakdowns and long talks helped me realize and come to terms with a lot of things, and for my best-friend, Faith who listened, I'm eternally thankful. There were good days, where I didn't think about her or would be distracted by other things. But then there were bad days. On those days the burden of her death became too much to handle and the panic attacks would come. On those days it seemed like everything reminded me of her. The bad days were when I wouldn't go anywhere or talk to anyone. After her death, I started to question a lot of things. Those questions may never have answers but for now, I'm good with that. Her death caused me to have a different outlook on life and for that I'm grateful. Her loss had made me mature in so many different ways. She's taught me so many different things. To whoever is reading this, I would like to give some advice: First, you are entitled to grieve as long as you need. It could be days, weeks or even years. No one has the right to undermine your trauma or your responses. And just because you are done grieving doesn't mean you forgot about them. Next, life is short so live it to the fullest. It may seem like life is bland and not worth living but I promise there is something to live for. Whether it be finding an identity for yourself or solving the problems in your head, it's worth it. I know there are times when it seems like nothing is right and nobody is there for you or it'll never get better---but I promise you it will. I hope we can learn to understand this, together.