The two great armies met on the field of battle outside the mighty gates of Troy. Menelaus, the King of Sparta, marched out in front of his troops to meet Paris, the Leader of the Trojans. They stared hard at each other. The wind whistled across the battlefield and their capes billowed out in the wind, adding a perfect flavor of drama to the scene. This was to be the beginning of one of the greatest and bloodiest wars ever fought in the Greek world. People often wonder what they were fighting about in the first place. In fact, the greater part of the soldiers there had absolutely no idea what they were really fighting for. It is easy to assume it was for glory or riches or any number of irrelevant things. In reality however, it was something far more important. It involved a close competition between Sparta and Troy of course, but it was insinuated in large part because earlier that year, a team of chariot racers from Sparta had been seven and a half seconds slower to cross the finish line than one from Troy.

 

The Ancient Greeks loved choice few things: columns, spears, long books, the color white, disconcertingly graphic deaths, decapitated heads, watered down wine, and sports. Curiously enough,  it just so happened to be the last of these that would start a Greek civil war. It all started when the Spartan chariot racing team, The Warriors (a mournfully uncreative name), started to dominate the competition in NASCAR (National Achaean Stock Chariot Auto Racing). In fact, they won six championships in a row and by then, many people had jumped on the bandwagon, swearing they had always secretly liked the Spartan team and always knew they would come out on top. Among these fans were Menelaus and his wife Helen.

 

It started with only one win. No one was much surprised, after all, the Spartans couldn't win indefinitely; this was just the end of a very impressive streak. But then, the Trojan Team won the next race as well, and the next! Slowly, the loyal fans of Sparta began to turn traitor and one fateful day, Helen confronted her husband about her true feelings. "I am sorry to do this to you, my dear," she said, with just the right amount of false compunction in her voice. "But I have been lying to you. All along you see, I have actually liked the Trojan chariot team. I just pretended to cheer for the Spartans to not hurt your feelings!" She looked ruefully at him in just such a way as to make him not believe her.

 

"HA! Yeah, I'm sure you have!" he laughed with a touch of sardonic amusement. "But I know you better, you sly disloyal fan! You would sell out your own grandmother in a heartbeat if it meant being on the winning side when the championship comes!"

 

"No, no, really!" she cried beseechingly, trying her best to sound slightly, but not suspiciously, vaguely plaintively piteous. (The amount of peculiarly specific intonations that each party was trying to achieve was atypical, even for the Ancient Greeks.) "I do!"

 

"Well," he said, starting to get frustrated with the amount of mental effort being put into every sentence in the conversation, "You cannot switch, it's against sports rules! It would be poor sportsmanship!"

 

"Well then! I guess the rules are unfair, aren't they?" she shot back.

 

"How dare you! Not in this respectable city! We value character here!" he yelled.

 

"Oh yeah? Well then, I guess I know what to do." With that, she stormed off to her quarters and started to pack her things. Menelaus stared after her, confused.

 

"And umm, what might that be?" he asked stupidly. She glared at him.

 

"I'll move to Troy! Where my support is wanted!"

 

"What!? No! You can't! You're the queen here!"

 

"Oh Menelaus! This is bigger than one city, you know that! This is for sports!"

 

He scoffed, "You are a disgrace to sportsmanship, I cannot believe you!" Helen spun around, her eyes blazing fiercely, and glowered at him for a moment. Then she grabbed her bag and stormed out.

 

As you may imagine, the press thought this a rather big deal, and the town buzzed with news that the queen had left for Troy. It was generally frowned upon, but a few more traitors took the opportunity to join her and abandon the Spartan Warriors. Nevertheless, King Menelaus let her be for a while to cool off. After a whole week of waiting with no sign of return however, he had had enough. He gathered all the mighty kings for miles around to decide what should be done. The great council was held a few days later, and it just so happened to be the largest meeting of Greek powers in history, to this day. As Menelaus stood up in his seat, the leaders fell silent. "Great Achaean kings, I gather you here today to discuss the very fate of our race. For today is a dark day; our citizens are fleeing to Troy! To support none other than the Trojan Horses! (Another pitiful attempt at creativity.) Do you not agree? This is unacceptable! I have a plan. As you well know, soon the Ithaca 500 will take place. The two teams most favored to win are ours and Troy's. I'm sorry, but you stand no chance. You must cheer for one of us anyway. So, will you put aside your differences and march to Troy for the good of Sparta and our game?" The crowd went wild. In fact, they marched out to bring back Helen and to bring her to her senses the very same week. The two great armies met on the field of battle outside the mighty gates of Troy. Menelaus, the King of Sparta, marched out in front of his troops to meet Paris, the Leader of the Trojans, and the war began.